“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life……..
Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.“
And then my brain was overloaded with more important (less temporal) worries…….how should I deal with Carlos’ rebellion? What will happen with his relationship with Stephen? Will Carlos ever really “accept” Stephen as his Papa and not fight against him? What about the social struggles Carlos has been experiencing of late? How do I teach him to stand for the truth and do what is right?
Oh but there’s more! Should I have my boys tested? And what if they fall under the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) umbrella? Jeremiah’s behavior is so out of control sometimes. Carlos has big learning disabilities especially with processes and language. The more I read and learn the more my mommy gut says, “you know it must be true”. And the statistics……how can I parent against such statistics!
I’ve slowly felt my “dream” once again slip away. I dreamed of the perfect family…..beautiful, healthy children. God closed my womb. No trouble, we can adopt a healthy baby boy from Guatemala. God sends me a baby and a 4 year old. Ok, God! This reality is harder to “smash” into my dream, but I can do it! I can turn this into a new dream…..two perfect boys……well almost perfect. Carlos just needs time to learn the language……more time perhaps? Jeremiah will eventually come out of the terrible twos……I’m still waiting for that to happen 3 years later. My dream of normal, clean, happy and just like everyone else has turned into messy, abnormal, unhappy and feeling totally alone.
And here I sit with my shattered dreams……not the life I would have chosen. It feels too hard, it feels too alone, it feels too foreign, it feels too painful.
But you see, God in his perfect and sovereign plan knew…..He PLANNED, just for me (I believe), this spring woman’s retreat at camp Alta Mons. My fear of the future was choking my ability to live today.
On Friday night Nancy shared some “nuggets” that God has been teaching her and I found so many were exactly what I needed to hear.
- We don’t live in the future, we plan for the future, but live in TODAY
- Focus on what is TRUE – Phil 4:4-9
- God gives peace
- God says a good day is knowing Him – God’s character (He is able, wise, kind, merciful)
- Faith comes from the word – it changes, washes, renews and comforts us
- God has control (NOT ME) and He is good.
- This trial is a tool from God. I’m not going to just endure, but I will embrace this.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I have not been focusing on what is true. Quite the opposite. I’ve been dwelling on what I have had to “give up”…..my dream of perfection. I’ve dwelt on “it’s not fair” and “why me”. I’ve NOT been thankful….I’ve pouted and pretended. But I want to embrace and see this as a tool from the hand of my heavenly Father. An opportunity, a gift, created just for me from a father who knows all about me. A father who is loving, good and kind…..and gives His grace to meet my every need.
And this was just Friday night!
Saturday, Dawn and Kathryn Campbell shared the story of the incredible journey that God has brought their family on…..a story full of intense ain and suffering, but also gentle grace. Listening to their story reminded me of Thomas in John 20:24-28:
“Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.”
Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!”
Pastor Martin preached from this passage just a few weeks ago and I was struck with the way that Jesus met Thomas exactly where he was……Jesus is so gentle with Thomas. He doesn’t scold or reprimand him…..but Jesus shows Thomas exactly what he said that he wanted to see to believe. Anyway, I’d been thinking about that for a couple of weeks now, just pondering on how Jesus give us exactly what we need. And listening to Dawn and Kathryn’s story reminded me again.
I also came away with a better sense of how real Jesus Christ is…..we do serve a risen and living king. He knows us in and out. I don’t remember exactly why (let me tell you I cried A LOT of tears that morning) but Jeremiah 33:3 sticks in my head: “Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” I feel that there are many “hidden things” going on in my life right now, but what a comfort that God knows those things and that He answers when we call and will show us those hidden things!!
My hope has been renewed…….not a hope in a “dream”, but in my Creator who knows the beginning of my story to the end…….My Abba, who has carefully selected this journey for me. It may be messy, it may be lonely, the statistics may stack against me, but I am confidant of this, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil 1:6)
House of Smooches 
Oh, Sarah. It’s good to hear you share your heart (and struggles) in this post. Clearly I haven’t been tuning in very attentively since this is two years old and this is the first time I’ve read this. But I hear ya, sister. And I will pray for you. In my own struggles– what I come back to over and over and over and over again is the truth of God’s Word. I cling to His words and His promises and the hope of it all and it SUSTAINS me. He sustains me through it. It is life. I will pray that for you, too. Much, much love to you, Sarah. He is good. He has entrusted these children to you in His PERFECT will. He WILL give you everything you need, He will equip you and He will use you. Love and hugs, friend. ~Stacy