Random thoughts at 1 o’clock

It’s one o’clock in the morning or more specifically is 1:22 A.M.  The windows are open and cool autumn air is pouring in……when we wake up the living room is going to have a bit of a chill.  The air is so clear that I can hear the train blaring his horn before taking the crossing 2 miles away.  What you might ask am I doing awake at this time of the night?  Good question.  And honestly I have no good answer other than I’m grieving the loss of all my free alone time and am finding it only in the wee hours of the morning.  The past two weeks have been crazy…..hectic.  In many ways I feel lost in the crazy.  Funny, I was thinking tonight how I long to go back to the simple days when the babies were little, haha.  Never thought, during those times, that I would someday look back and wish for THAT crazy.

The honest truth is that I’m a mess.  Every day feels like a huge mountain with giant boulders that are about to tumble down on my head.  Now don’t get all worried over me, I really will be fine.  Life just feels hard right now.  And I’m not sure WHEN or really……. IF……. it’s going to get any easier.  And that’s the hardest part of all…….the unknown.  Sometimes when I’m in the middle of a mess, I just wish I could know how it’s all going to sort out, but honestly I don’t think I really want to know.  I probably won’t like the outcome anyway, ha!  I just want it to be all right.  I want all those wrongs to be righted.  I want all those sorrows to be turned to joy.  I want all those tears to be turned to smiles.  I guess I just want heaven.  And I’m thinking that God has me on this earth for quite a while longer.

Ok enough of the crazy one o’clock talk……perhaps I will blog again soon……or…….perhaps not, who really knows.